It’s taken me 49 years to recognize a very important concept… the energy of surrender accomplishes much more than the energy of control.
And I have my nonspeaking, autistic 21-year-old son, Skyler to thank for teaching me that valuable lesson.
You see, as much as I hope, pray & dream that Skyler will become even minimally independent, caring for and managing his every need is all both of us have ever known.
His daily routines have always been my daily routines. My body and mind perpetually on autopilot – doing anything and everything for Skyler to meet his needs.
Always the loud advocate, I’m the first person to shout from the rooftops that he is capable of so much and I work hard to ensure he’s given every opportunity to demonstrate his abilities outside of our home. But it’s inside the home that I’ve realized I’m falling short!
It’s me, hi, I’m the problem, it’s me! (wink to the Swifties)
I’m conditioned after all these years to lunge right into ‘mom mode’ when helping Skyler eat, dress, brush his teeth, etc. essentially doing all the tasks for him.
My intent is never to undermine his capabilities, but that’s exactly what I’ve done – removed from him the chance to strengthen his skills and develop confidence toward being independent.
As I always say, behavior IS communication and Skyler has been trying his darndest to get me to pay attention!
The other night, I was giving Skyler dinner, and he proceeded to slap me before and after every bite, per usual. I paused the meal, took a deep breath and in a slightly frustrated tone said to Skyler, “Do you want to just do this yourself?”
He looked up at me and half smirked. Taking that as confirmation that he in fact wanted me to step aside, I did.
I loaded up the spoon with the next bite and slid the plate in front of him. Skyler lifted the spoon to his mouth, and I’d swear let out a sigh as he chewed as if to say – FINALLY she is listening!
Always one to test theories multiple times before assuming I’ve solved the clue to our endless game of charades, I decided to serve Skyler breakfast in the same manner as I had with dinner the evening before.
With every spoonful of eggs, he fed himself, my smile widened and so did Skyler’s. Not a single slap or hit was inflicted on me. Skyler was eating his meals semi-independently… what a HUGE win!
The non-caregiver person reading this may say this new revelation about why Skyler was hitting during meals seems obvious. But those of us who must rely on only ‘physical’ communication from our kids often have no idea what they are trying to tell us because the actions (hitting, slapping, biting, hair pulling) are repetitive and not directly linked to a specific situation.
Of course, in hindsight, reevaluating MY behavior & responses all these years, I recognize that although my actions to protect & support him were well intentioned, I was inadvertently holding him back and limiting his potential. And I wasn’t clearly listening to what he was trying to tell me – ‘I can do it myself mom!’
I need to let him flounder, struggle, and tackle tasks on his own no matter how long it takes. By doing so, I’m confident he will be prouder of his achievements and feel more prepared for navigating this world without me – on his own terms.
The best preparation I can provide is to continue exposing him to new things, letting him try even when it’s hard, validate his feelings and remind him that he makes me proud every moment of every day.
And continually committing to Skyler that I will hover less and mother at an arm’s length now that he’s a ‘grown man.’
Surrendering control & trusting that the world will be kind, patient, understanding and accepting of my precious child – it’s truly one of the hardest parts of parenting.
